Navigating Change: Moving Out of the Rut with Compassion

Coaching is above all else, support to make desired change. It is so easy to be stuck in rut—whether it’s the loop of our own private thoughts or the predictable friction of our relationships. Escaping these well-worn ruts begins with cultivating awareness.

The Conflict Within

The desire for change often uncovers an internal conflict among different parts of ourselves. There is part of us that has created the rut we find ourselves in and is comfortable there. And there is a part that wants things to be different. For example, we may have learned to keep quiet and keep a low profile, but now we realize that we need to bring more of ourselves to our work or our personal lives—we need to speak up! Many of our early attempts at change may have involved trying to “overpower” the part that created the rut—if we just had enough will power, we could do it. This is often harder than it sounds. We make a vow that at the next meeting we will speak up, but the meeting comes and we just can’t do it.

Listen to the Different Parts

As a coach, I often try to bring awareness to the different parts and let each part have its own voice. This allows clients to hear what’s at stake for each of the parts. For example, you may learn that the part that tends to keep you quiet doesn’t want you to stick your neck out and fail. The parts that feel like they are thwarting us, have good intentions—they want to protect us—but their tactics are limited. As we work to change old habits it is often helpful to understand the motivation of the “protector” parts so that we can “hear them” and assess for our conscious selves the best course of action. If we determine that we will be ok and can step out of our rut and do something new (speak up!), we can just acknowledge the discomfort and go ahead.

Another thing you may notice in this example is the kindness with which we treat all parts of ourselves. We listen and acknowledge the “problematic” unwanted-rut-making parts of ourselves because they have served us well and we want/need protection sometimes—we don’t want to banish these parts of ourselves or silence them forever, we need to be whole human beings on this journey through life. What I work with my clients on is having more conscious choice about their behavior, so they are not doomed to being in a rut that doesn’t serve them.

The Power of Visualization

Concretely visualizing the different parts can help us recognize when we are in a well-worn pattern so that we have an opportunity to do something different. As an example, the client who wanted to speak up would visualize the “silencing part” as a mask across their mouth, when they wanted to speak up, they would visualize removing the mask and gently folding it up and putting it in their pocket. In this way they would “bring the part with them” but it wasn’t stopping them from speaking up. The folding was an act of care and acknowledgement. Another coach shared the story of one of her clients pulling out her cell phone to talk to her “inner critic”. Using metaphor and visualization helps bring greater consciousness and therefore choice to our behaviors.

Embrace the Do-Over

Even with insight and awareness sometimes the rut wins out. Then the best thing we may be able to do is say, “here I (or we) go again!”, hopefully bringing some humor and compassion to our dawning awareness. Internal behavior change is hard, as is changing interpersonal behavior patterns. To stick with the hard work of change, it is helpful to bring the greatest compassion we can to ourselves and others. Another opportunity will come along to practice the change we are yearning for. In any case, having compassion for ourselves and others as we navigate change helps us show up more wholly and maybe with greater joy as we do the hard work of being present and learning new things throughout our lives.

If you or someone you know would benefit from working with a coach, or you just want to know more, please contact me at info@peghuntcoaching.com. I offer a complimentary session.

©Anne E. Garing, PhD & Peg S. Hunt, MS